Sorting Hat Capers
by BritaChica
Summary: A collection of what could have happened when different people put on the sorting hat. Chapter Thirty-Four up.
1. Little To Do, Nothing To See

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: This is going to be a collection of small pieces about what could have happened when certain characters from the Harry Potter books put on the sorting hat in their first year. This first piece is an introduction. 

Disclaimer: I don't own the sorting hat and I'm not saying that this is what happened. It is just a possibility and this is just Fanfiction so please do not sue me! 

Chapter One- Little To Do, Nothing To See.

"Hufflepuff!" I yelled. People cheered, The girl went to sit down and it was over for another year. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't been charmed. It had to be more fun to be a normal hat. One that wasn't able to think. I reckon that they all forget that I think the moment that the sorting's over. I am quite smart you know. I could be used for a number of things. I helped once, to that Harry Potter boy. With Godric's sword. After that it was it. Dumbledoor only talks to me once in a while. Maybe only three times a year. Can you believe that?! I flippin' well can't but it's true. It's true. I go into that office and all I see is that stupid Phoenix wandering around day in day out. I don't even face a window! I felt McGonagall's hands lift me up, ready to take me to the office. 

"Let go of me you stupid idiot!" She almost did. Almost dropped me on the floor. I noticed that everyone was staring at me. Well, now that I had an audience I'd give them something to stare at! "Who are you to boss me around." I told McGonagall. "I remember when you were sorted." 

A/N: I got the Intro out of the way then. I think I like Rebel Sorting Hat. I'm sorry if this plot has been done before. The next chapter is McGonagall, obviously. Please Review! 


	2. McGonagall, Minerva

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: Thankyou for reviewing! One thing though. In the last chapter I made a spelling mistake and write Dumbledoor. Jessica- Canada corrected this but she said that it was Dumbledor when it is actually Dumbledore with an 'e'. No offence meant as she was the only one who pointed it out in the first place. This is now offically my most succesful story (most reveiws.) 

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, it belongs to J. K. Rowling. I do however, own the plot and the ex-deputy head. 

Chapter Two- McGonagall, Minerva.

"McGonagall, Minerva!" The now ex-deputy head said in a clear and unfeeling voice. What sort of name was Minerva anyway. It sounded like a stupid name to me. The girl came over and put me on her head like I was nothing. I deserved more than that. She wasn't careful not to add to my many rips ither. Who died and made her the Queen of the world? 

Hmm. What house shall I put you in. 

_Hurry up. I'm bored. I want to get on with the feast._

With an attitude like that I'll put you in Slytherin. 

_Whatever._

__Show some respect to your elders girl. 

_Sorry, _she thought sarcastically, _hurry up with it will you, please? _She was being sarcastic again. I didn't like people who thought sarcastic things at me. There was no point doing it whatsoever! I'd like to see how they liked being a sorting hat. It wasn't as easy sa it looked you know. I could tell now that she was going to be bossy. I really did want to put her in Slytherin, see how she managed to deal in there. Alas though, I don't get to pick the house. I have to decide the house from their thoughts. So I had to yell it. 

"Gryffindor!" She took me straight off her head and went to sit down at the Gryffindor table. 

My audience were still listening to me. I had finally got attention. I wasn't going to give it up now though. 

"What are you laughing about Severus Snape?" I asked sweetly as he was snnigering up at the high table. His face suddenly went a very pale white colour. 

A/N: I got the first person done! Next one is obviously Snape. Please R/R. Chapter three will be up very soon. 


	3. Severus, Snape

Sorting Hat Capers: by Brita*Chica 

A/N: Still my most reviewed story. I got eleven reviews which is way more than I hoped for. My next most reviewed fic is a harry potter song fic that is strolling along with a Stark/Rygel Farscape fic at six reviews each. (End 'shameless' plug.) Well, going back to this story, this chapter is obviously Snape. The next chapter will contain three characters. See the authors note below to find out who. Anyway- on with the story. 

Disclaimer: I own the plot and the idea of the sorting hat being a rebel (I feel sorry for the piece of material). I do NOT own Harry Potter related characters or settings and I do not own the sorting hat. 

Chapter Three- Snape, Severus

This was getting to be fun. I could see the horror on the hooked nose, greasy haired potions master. 

He had been an annoying one to sort. If possible, worse than McGonagall. He wasn't so much bossy as down-right-rude. 

"Snape, Severus." A tall boy with a swagger walked to the stool and put me on. I did only get a stool, not even a table or something a bit more comfortable. I had already sorted a lot of kids and was getting quite aggravated by this point. I was about to get a lot more aggravated. 

_So, I suppose you think you're very clever don't you._

__

__Pardon? 

_You know, anyone could put people in houses, all you do is one of four words randomly. I suppose you think that song was ccccooooollllll don't you? You are so pathetic._

__

__I am not the pathetic one. You are the pathetic one. 

_Whatever man. Hurry up and sort me before I bash you in._

__

__Oh, I'm so scared. Not.__

__

_You should be. The whole world will know the name of Severus Snape when he is old enough to become a deatheater._

__

__It was another one. What was this craze with 'The Dark Lord'. Stupid. Of course noone told me what was going on. Noone ever did. 

Tell me future deatheater. What do you think of the deputy headmistress? 

_..._

You forget that I can read minds. I can tell precisly what you think. You think that's she's cute. Snape 4 McGonagall. Snape 4 McGonagall. Snape 4 McGonagall. 

_Shut up._

I don't want to. Whatever. You're boring anyway. I think I'll put you in SLYTHERIN. 

The whole great hall looked shocked for a minute then burst out laughing. I noticed one boy at the Slytherin table laughing the most. I liked all this attention. I was going to keep the attention at all costs. 

"Tut, tut. Malfoy. Don't know why your laughing. You're next. Though I suppose that I should only tell your sorting with you're body guards. You can't seem to go anywhere without them." I said. 

A/N: So, the three characters are Malfoy (Draco, though I may do his dad in the future), Crabbe and Goyle. Please Review this story and if you want, one of my other stories, though I think that is asking to much. Never mind. Review this one! 


	4. Malfoy, Crabbe And Goyle

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: I have got 19 reviews. Please get me up to or past 20. Let me make one thing clear- Do not flame me for Draco's sorting being short! It said in the book that the hat yelled Slytherin straight away. To all the people who have reviewed so far: You do not go unnoticed. I will thank everyone on the last chapter. Whenever that may be. Also, to people who tell me to write longer chapters. The chapters may be short but the whole story is getting longer. Please R/R! (If I got Crabbe and Goyle's names the wrong way round please tell me.) 

Disclaimer: I own the plot. Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Four: Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle

This was starting to be fun. I had everyone's attention now. I even had some of the house elves looking at me from the kitchen. That was another thing. I never got offered food. Never. I didn't need it but I still didn't get asked. That annoyed me. Really annoyed me. I was just treated like a normal hat. No, scrap that, I was treated less than a normal hat. I didn't even get worn. 

"Crabbe, Vincent" McGonagall said at me. A boy came down and put me on his head. He was one of the first people whose eyes I hadn't fallen over. I knew that name. Crabbe. I had sorted his parents into Slytherin years ago. He hadn't thought much yet so I decided to start off the conversation. 

Which house do you think you should be in? 

_..._

Are you going to bother to answer me? 

_..._

Which house! Being this dumb you'll be put in Hufflepuff. 

_Slytherin._

Why should I put you in Slytherin? 

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_It's my house._

No, I believe that it is Slazer Slytherin's house. 

_..._

_Whatever._

I had dealed with dumb people before but this one was the worst. 

Which house? 

_I told you. Slytherin._

Why? 

_My house._

Don't believe you. 

_..._

This is boring. 

SLYTHERIN! 

"Goyle, Gregory" 

It was another one. His parents had been in Slytherin as well and chances are that he was just as dumb as that Crabbe I had sorted earlier. I decided to check. 

What's your name? 

_Goyle._

Are you sure? 

_..._

_Yes._

I don't think that it is. 

_Yes it is._

No it isn't. Your name is Gregory. Not Goyle. 

_Yes it is._

That's what I said. 

_No it isn't._

Yes it is. 

_I said that I was Goyle._

No you're not. 

_Yes I am._

No you're not. 

_Yes I am._

Your name is Gregory. 

_No._

Undoubtedly it is. 

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_Yes it is._

Do you know what undoubtedly means? 

_No._

Yes you do. 

_..._

_No._

Yes you do you said that your name was Gregory. 

_..._

_..._

_..._

_No it isn't._

SLYTHERIN! 

"Malfoy, Draco." 

This one was going to be the worst. I didn't like the Malfoy family, never had. I found them annoying and cowardly. Absolutely perfect for... 

SLYTHERIN! 

I had to admit that it was fun doing this. I liked the idea of being the one in control for once. Even the dumbest student were staring at me. I could see that they were worried about who I would chose next. Most of them weren't even worth talking about. I was thinking about this when I heard an annoying cackling laughter come from somewhere near the ceiling. 

"Will you just shut up for once. Everyone is bored of your pranks and noone cares anymore. I personally don't like being held over the sink for ransom... Peeves." I said. 

A/N: There we go. Peeves is next. If anyone knows his full name please tell me. Please Review. 


	5. Peeves

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: Wow, it was only four days since I posted the last chapter! This is a bit quicker than I usually work but, I was bored, so here is the fifth chapter. Noone seemed to be able to tell me the full name of Peeves. Anigurl88, Yes it is Peeves the Poltergeist and yes he was once Human. Only three reviews needed to get this story to 30! Please Review! By the way, did you know that the word POSH used in this chapter actually means Port Out Starboard Home. So called because wealthy people would sit on the side of the boat facing the sun. The port side going out and the starboard side going home. Now you know. You didn't care anyway but now you know. 

Disclaimer: I do not own anything but the plot. I thought that we would have worked that out by now. 

Chapter Five- Peeves

For once he didn't laugh. I felt like laughing but I had to appear to be cool. Imagine that, a piece of material trying to be cool. Sounds stupid doesn't it. He looked really funny there. E hung above Hufflepuff table looking as white as a ghost. I make the worst jokes sometimes, that's what happens when noone takes the time to listen to them. 

"Peeves." Barked out the headmaster. Back in those days there wasn't a deputy anything so he had to do it himself. He wasn't too bad as a headmaster but he did tend to get annoyed around the sorting. 

A small boy with a posh look placed upon his face approached me. He sat down on the stool and put me on his head in a manner that seemed to suggest that he was more important than me. He was a thinking boy! There were many of them, well, there were many boys that were able to think. I was a thinking hat, one of a kind but I was apparently worse than this gentlemenly-breed-high-class-know-nothing-looks-stupid-Hogwarts-attending-posh-looking-wimp-probably-idiot of an idiot. As you could probably tell, I didn't like him. He would get nowhere in life by being conventional and boring. I decided to change his outlook on life. 

_Would you mind hurrying it up a bit._

Move it, I'm bored.__

__

_I am afraid that I have no idea what at all you are talking about._

__

__What you saying. Back off! 

_Back off off what?_

__

__Oi! I'm stayin'. 

_Where are you staying, I am positive that I do not understand you one small bit._

__

__Where's you're hole? What you sayin' to me? 

_Are you aware that you make no sense?_

__

__You know, you talk idiots. 

_What do I talk. Look, please just sort me._

__

__I what! See here, sort me before I bash you in! 

GRYFFINDOR! 

I had done it. I had ruined the kids life in the 'posh' circle. Once he asked what I had said then he was definatly going under with the youth culture. Saying the equivalent of his words in a less-than-posh talk to him people would think that I had been speaking a totally different language to him. 

After I told of his sorting Peeves zoomed out of the great hall. None of the students would have known of his posh old background and I suppose that it embarrassed him. Serves him right. 

"Who shall I do next then? Most of you don't have to worry, you had sortings too boring to be told. Ahha, I know one that wasn't too boring but was just too pathetic...Neville Longbottom." I said. 

A/N: Well, the next one is Neville. If I spelt it wrong please tell me. Shame. I like Neville as a character but it was just too good an opportunity to pass up. Please Review! 


	6. Longbottom, Neville

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: I can't belive that I'm getting this chapter out quick as well. With Farscape finishing last night I have nothing to do and I'm bored so here it is. Also, MoonDancer you were number thirty like you thought. 3 needed to get to 35 people- please review! 

To people who asked- I think that Poltergiests were people once, I always thought that they were supposed to be evil ghosts of evil spirts or whatever. Not sure if it is the case, some people think so and some don't. There are enough 'when Peeves was Human' fics on the site to make me think I'm not the only one with this view. 

MoonDancer and me! (not me as in Brita*Chica but an anonymas reviewer) have both asked me to write the reactions of the school when they got told about Harry nearly being a Slytherin. I'll try to work that in as one of the hat's comments in a future chapterbut I would think that it would be boring to type out his whole sorting. Also, I have been asked to do Hermione's sorting. Any sugesstions are welcome but please don't suggest any of the Weasly's. I will do all of them. 

I think I've talked for enough and I'll start writing. 

Disclaimer: I own the plot, I don't own anything else. 

Chapter Six- Longbottom, Neville

I couldn't wait to get this one out. Other sortings have been boring or annoying but not this one. This one was down-right hilarious. I could see the blundering idiot looking almost terrified of me, I knew why. He remembered his sorting as well as I did. 

"Longbottom, Neville" A fat short boy walked up to me and put me on. I almost yelled out. There was too much thought, it had come at me suddenly. Like a tidal wave of worry and insercurity and annoyance. That got me angry. I was the one who was annoyed with them. Me! Me! ME! He stole my emotion. I didn't like it. I wasn't going to let him get away with that. Not at all. I decided right then that I didn't like him. I suppose I was offended inside and I know that I shouldn't have done it but I was tired and it was already a tedius sorting and the oppertunity was to good to pass up at the time I suppose. 

Squib. 

_Hmm?_

__

__Squib. Which house do you think that you should be in Squib. 

_I'm not a squib!_

__

__Are. 

_Are not._

__

__See, I was right, you are, the correct term would have been AM not, only an idiot would say ARE not. 

_I'm not an idiot and I'm not a squib! Those are hurtful words you know._

__

__So? You only find them hurtful as you know that it is true. 

_Please just sort me._

__

__Sort you!? I said as though it hadn't occered to me. How am I supposed to sort you if there is no house to sort you into. 

_Huh?_

__

__Well I guess I'll explain Squib, if you are so dumb that you can't work it out yourself. You are a wimp so no Gryffindor. You are so dumb it's unbeliveable so you can't go in Ravenclaw. You are too dumb to even get put in Hufflepuff. I would say that you weren't cunning enough for Slytherin either but at the moment it looks like the house that is best for you. 

_NO! Please don't put me in Slytherin. Any house but Slytherin._

__

__I don't see why. I think you'd do well there. 

_Not with them._

__

__Why not. 

_..._

__

__You try not to tell me but I do know why. It's 'cos of your parents. 

_Not Slytherin._

__

__I decided to have some fun then. S... 

Sl... 

Sly... 

Slyt... 

Slyth... 

Slythe... 

Slyther... 

Slytheri... 

Slytheri... 

GRYFFINDOR! 

Hey! Put me back you idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me go. Help! I'm being kiddnapped! Help! Take me back! I yelled at him as he had ran off with me still on his head. 

Idiot. 

Everyone started laughing then. Started laughing at the Longbottom boy. It was quite funny I supposed. I really had gotten attention. They had fogotten to be worried for a moment about if I was going to pick them and then I had an idea. It would be fun! It would be less fun as the person wasn't there but the truth was that I was quite scared of him. I announced my choice to the great hall. 

A man who goes by the name of Remus Lupin. 

A/N: I managed to pick someone. I don't pick them till the end of the story you see. Anyway, please Review! 


	7. Lupin, Remus

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: People, please review! If I get two more reviews then it will be at forty. So, this chapter will be Lupin once I have written it. In the last chapter I asked for suggestions on who you wanted me to write, so here they are. Hermione, Sirius, James, Lily, Cho, Cedric and Dumbledore. If you want someone else please say so. Do not however ask for, the Weasley's, Pettigrew or Voldemort as I was going to do them anyway. So then, please review! 

Disclaimer: I own the plot. Not the rest. 

Chapter Seven- Lupin, Remus

Even though I knew that he wasn't, I had to look round the great hall to make sure that the werewolf truly wasn't there. I don't know why I don't like werewolves. I suppose that Godric didn't and after all, I am his hat. I laughed at that image then, going into a street full of muggles and singing at the top of my voice. Hmm, do I even have a voice. It's like that old saying, if a tree falls in a forest and there's noone there to hear it does it make a sound or whatever. Or what came first, the chicken or the egg. Or can anyone manage to say beer can without sounding like a Jamaican asking for bacon. I realised that I had been thinking to myself. I would end up looking stupid or like I couldn't remember the sorting. I could remember it. 

"Lupin, Remus." McGonagall said at me. I don't think she even said the names at me. I think that she just said the names and I heard them. I suppose that that was it. Annoying! I deserved to be told who I was going to sort. 

I froze up as he put me on his head. Not out of stubbaness but out of fear. I could sense evil in that mind. I could sense goodness as well but I decided to focus on the evil. 

You're a werewolf. 

_Yes I am._

You shouldn't be allowed in this school. Shouldn't be here. Shouldn't be here. Shouldn't be here. Shouldn't be here. I was repeating the words over and over in my mind, maybe wishing for them to come true or something. 

_Are you scared of me?_

No. I'm not scared of anyone. Watch what you say werewolf. I told him getting defensive. 

_You seem scared._

I'm not scared. 

_Are you sure?_

__

__Yes I'm sure! You shouldn't be here anyway. It's not safe. I bet that Dumbledore doesn't know. Maybe I should tell him. 

_NO! I mean, Headmaster Dumbledore does know but none of the students know._

__

__Hmm. I get the impression that you don't want them to know. Maybe I should tell them then... After all, it would be for their safety. 

_Please don't tell them._

__

__Why shouldn't I? All I have to say is... 

_Please!_

__

__I faked yelling out load then just to give him a fright. Oh people, this person is a werewolf! Rise up and throw him out. 

GRYFFINDOR! 

I did yell the last word out loud. Like I say, I don't get to chose the houses. I have to put them in the house that their thoughts tell me. 

People were looking at me again. I was worried that I had seemed weak during that sorting. I had to change that. I decided to tell the sorting of someone that would make them seem weak. Tom Riddle. 

A/N: Hmm, I didn't think that I was going to write Voldemort for the next chapter. Maybe I should plan before I type. Anyway, please review. I will upload the next chapter tomorrow. (I know this is soon but I will have been here for exactly one month and I'm gonna update all the stories that I haven't given up on.) Please Review! 


	8. Riddle, Tom

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: fio2 was the only person to review the last chapter (thanks fio2): Either noone read it or they did read it and hated it too much to review it. Please review this chapter. As promised, here is Voldemort's sorting. As promised, here it is today, on the day that one month ago I joined the site. 

Disclaimer: I own the plot. The rest of it is not mine. 

Chapter Eight: Riddle, Tom

I had expected a reaction. I had expected at least a few students to stare at me in shock. What was it about them that was making them act so indifferent? Why was noone doing anything. 

"You DO know who Tom Riddle is don't you?" I asked them. They shaked their heads. I sighed out loud. "You know, Tom Riddle, as in Tom RIDDLE! As in Lord Voldemort!?" 

That got their attention. They all stared at me. Finally. Now that they knew who I was talking about I could get on with the sorting. 

"Riddle, Tom." Deputy Headmaster Dumbledore said. A quite tall boy with black hair walked over and put me on his head. 

You're related to Slazer Slytherin aren't you. 

_So?_

__

__So nothing. I was just pointing it out. How come you have to be sorted then. 

_Huh?_

__

__Do you know who Slazer Slytherin was? 

_..._

__

__He founded the Slytherin house. Don't see why I have to sort you. You are obviously going to end up in Slytherin. 

_I am?_

__

__You are? 

_That's what I said._

No. You said I am not you are. This is weird. 

_What is weird._

Are you sure you're supposed to be in Slytherin. 

_I don't know._

__

__Hmm. 

_Hmm what._

__

__Weird. 

_What's weird_? 

This. 

_What is this._

__

__This doesn't make sense. 

_What doesn't make sense!_

__

__I says here that you could be placed in Gryffindor as well as in Slytherin. 

_Well which house are you putting me in?_

__

__SLYTHERIN! 

The whole hall was staring at me. Even more than when I had pointed out that Snape had had a childhood crush on McGonagall. 

"What? Oh, don't tell me that you're supprised about him almost being in Gryffindor. Even famous Harry Potter almost got put in Slytherin..." 

Everyone turned to look at him and the Gryffindor table then. The Slytherin's were the first to turn round. I could see his friends Hermionie Granger and Ron Weasley around him. Which gave me an idea. Which family had more variations in their sortings than the Weasley's. 

A/N: So, next chapter is the Weasley's. All the kids in one go. Which will mean probably a long chapter. I managed to fit in the Harry Potter Slytherin thing. I'll try to make that lead somewhere. Please review! 


	9. Weasley, Kids

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: You hadn't given up on it. People reviewed! Thank you so much. By the way, three reviews will get this fic to 50 and two to get my complete total to 100 so please review. Jaded_Thief I will do Arthur and Molly Weasley but just not in this chapter. Also, I mentioned that I might do Lucious Malfoy and now that it has been requested I will do it. monkeys and bananas, I said that I would do Pettigrew. Any suggestions still welcome. 

Disclaimer: I own the plot. The rest belongs to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Nine: Weasley Kids

There was a lot of variation in their sortings. There were a lot of them after all. The moment that McGonagall says Weasley when calling out their names I groan inwardly. It wasn't so bad the first time, that was just like any other sorting. Just a kid. Even on the second sorting. I don't know if it was the third or the fourth one that I started to think: How many are there supposed to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Apparently seven, but it felt like a lot more than that. A more than a lot type lot more. The biggest type of 'lot more' that I knew. Anyway, I might loose the students looking at me if I kept thinking to myself. I started with the eldest one: 

"Weasley, Bill." McGonagall said. A boy with bright red hair walked over to me. You know, I don't think that people actually walk over to me, I think that they think that I am just a hat. I can think! I'm not just any sort of hat! 

Which house do you want to be in then? 

_I dunno._

Which house were your parents in. 

_Gryffindor._

What makes you think that you are good enough to be in Gryffindor. 

_I didn't say that I wanted to be put in Gryffindor._

Which house do you want to be put in then? 

_I dunno._

Do you think your smart enough for Ravenclaw? 

Do you think your loyal enough for Hufflepuff? 

Do you think your cunning enough for Slytherin? 

Do you think your brave enough for Gryffindor? 

Well? 

Which house? 

_I dunno._

Well, which house suits you most? 

_I dunno._

Which trait is most like you? 

_I dunno._

What's your favourite colour? 

Red, blue, green or yellow? 

_Red._

GRYFFINDOR! 

"Weasley, Charlie." McGonagall said near me. 

I sorted your brother. 

_Yeah, Bill._

I do NOT have a memory problem you know! I said angrily. 

_Huh?_

I do remember his name! I remember loads of things. 

_Like what?_

Like... Many things. 

_Such as?_

A lot of things. More things than you could ever remember. 

_What type of things?_

I don't have to tell you anything. 

_That's_ _because you don't know._

Don't know what? 

_Anything._

I know a lot of things! 

_What does 1 + 1 =?_

Two. 

_No._

Yes it does. 

_No, a window._

Just pick a house will you? 

_Ravenclaw?_

No, wrong choice. 

GRYFFINDOR! 

"Wesley, Percy." 

_Do you know how long this sorting will take?_

Huh? 

_How long?_

Let me guess. You want to get on with the feast. 

_Actually, I was wondering if you could be more time-efficeant._

WHAT!? 

_It was a simple request. It could not be so hard to cut each students sorting by, say a few seconds or so._

_What do you think?_

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_Well?_

Huh? Oh, you're suggestion. I was just wasting a bit of time you know, making your sorting a bit longer, maybe by a few seconds or so. 

_My idea was useful!_

As if. You are so stuck up... 

_I am not!_

Yes you are. 

_I am not at all arrogant, will you please hurry up with the sorting already._

GRYFFINDOR! 

"Weasley, Fred." McGonagall said. By this point I was starting to get annoyed. How many where there, honestly, how many! If this one was as bad as the other three... Well, I just had to tempt fate then, he was worse. 

_..._

You're brothers are in Gryffindor aren't they. 

_Your brothers are in Gryffindor aren't they._

Huh? 

_Huh?_

In Gryffindor. That is where your brothers are. 

_In Gryffindor. That is where your brothers are._

Are you repeating what I am saying? 

_Are you repeating what I am saying?_

Shut up. 

_Shut up._

Shut Up. 

_Shut Up._

Shut Up! 

_Shut Up!_

Please stop it. 

_Please Stop it._

My name is Fred Weasley. 

_My name is Fred Weasley._

I am Eleven years old. 

_I am Eleven years old._

I should be sorted into Slytherin. 

_I should be sorted into Gryffindor._

GRYFFINDOR! 

"Weasley, George." This one... Was even worse. 

Please do not act like your brother. 

_Act like your sister._

Huh? 

_I completely understand._

Which house do you want to be in? 

_Which house do I not want to be in._

Are you turning everything I say backwards? 

_I am repeating everything you say exactly._

Did you and your brother plan this on the way here? 

_We did not plan this._

GRYFFINDOR! 

"Weasley, Ronald." 

Not another one. 

_Huh?_

Nothing. Nothing. 

_Please put me in Gryffindor._

Why? 

_Well, Bill was Head Boy._

_Charlie was captain of the Quidditch team._

_Percy is a prefect._

_Fred and George get good grades and are really popular._

_And they were all in Gryffindor._

_So were my mum and dad._

_And I don't want to disappoint my parents._

I was aware of each and everyone of those facts. 

_Why did you ask then._

I'm bored. I can't be bothered to talk to you. 

GRYFFINDOR! 

"Wesley, Ginny." 

Please tell me you have no younger Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Half-Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Long-lost-Relatives or 'twice removed on your mothers side long lost distant misplaced step-cousins. 

_Huh?_

Do you? 

_Do I what._

Never mind. 

What a stupid thing to be wondering. 

_What do you mean?_

The thing that you are wondering is a stupid thing to be wondering. 

_I bet you don't know what I'm wondering._

Yes I do. 

_That isn't possible._

I can read your thoughts. 

_Whatever. What am I wondering then?_

Why your brother Ron isn't here. 

_Don't care if you know what I'm wondering._

Let's just make this sorting easy on the both of us. 

GRYFFINDOR! 

I looked round the great hall. I still had an audience. I guess they didn't know which Weasley to laugh at. Then I suppose that they decided whichever onethey decided because they all started laughing. 

They were all talking and laughing and it was then that I decided who I would do next. That complete know-it-all Hermione Granger. 

A/N: YES! It might have taken me a while but I have finished writing this chapter. I'm sorry that it took so long but it was seven sortings. Which is not really an excuse since I wrote six of them today and the last five in one go just now. 

If I have got Bill and Charlie the wrong way round then sorry. 

Do not say write longer chapters please. It may not read long but it is seven pages long on my computer. 

Anyway, please review! 


	10. Granger, Hermionie

Sorting Hat Capers By Brita*Chica 

A/N: This fic is now on it's third page of reviews! Three more will get it to 55. Personally, I expected to get two reviews at maximum for the entire thing. Remember, any suggestions are appreciated and I will get round to writing them, honest. Even if my computer is only working around 50/50 at the moment. Please don't ask for: Sirius, Dumbledore, Pettigrew, Lucius Malfoy, Arthur Weasley, Molly Weasley, James, Lily, Cho or Cedric as they have already been asked for. 

Disclaimer: I own the fic. Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Ten: Granger, Hermione

I saw her eyes widen as I said her name. I almost laughed. I knew why she was acting like that. Personally, I found her very annoying to sort. Her thoughts alone were enough to make me cringe, never mind what she thought at me. I saw everyone staring at me expectantly so I started to tell them of the sorting of little-miss-know-it-all, higher-than-thou Granger. 

"Granger, Hermione." McGonagall said. I was thinking that this sorting session was getting tedious and that was before I reckoned with the power of a big-head. 

A girl with bushy brown hair (A/N: Arrgh! It might only be me but when I saw the movie cast for the first time I was in shock. Could she look any less like Hermione looks in the books? Where was the big teeth. No bushy brown hair like Hermionies but wavy blonde hair!) Came up to me. She put me on her head. 

... 

_Huh?_

__

__I didn't say anything.__

__

_Thats my point._

__

__What is? 

_That you did not say anything. I thought you were supposed to be a sorting hat._

__

__I am!  


_Then why are you not sorting me. It seems quite a bit pointless._

__

__What is pointless. 

_Well... What purpose do you actually serve._

__

__I serve purposes! 

_Such as?_

__

__I... Sort people. 

_Is that all?_

__

__Huh? 

_Well, what else can you do?_

__

__What do you mean what else can I do? 

_Exactly what I said._

__

__... 

_Well, what other things can you do?_

__

__... 

_I mean, can you even do anything else? I shouldn't expect you to. I mean, you are a hat. What would you be able to do._

__

__I can do other stuff. 

_Such as?_

__

__I could put you in Slytherin. 

_Stupid._

__

__What!? 

_Don't get stupid now. Just put me in Ravenclaw like I should be._

__

__GRYFFINDOR! 

The hall was staring at me. Yet again I was worried that I had been the one who had seemed weak instead of in control. Most of them hadn't known who Tom Riddle was but there was someone that they would recognise... Convicted murderer Sirius Black. 

A/N: I'm back. I seem to have acquired a problem which makes my mind come up with chapters too slowly. The next one should be up sooner though. This one is only up because my sister is out of the house. I'm still mad over the Hermionie thing with the hair and teeth e.c.t. Anyway, please Review. 


	11. Black, Sirius

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: One more review needed for 65! New characters added to list: Seamus Finnigan, Oliver Wood, Hagrid, nearly headless Nick and Mad Eye Moody. In the Riddle, Tom chapter, I did write in that Harry was almost a Slytherin and I said that I would try to take that somewhere. A note on my grammar, I know it's bad but if you saw a chapter before it was spell checked then you would know that the fic is a lot worse. I can't believe that it took ten chapters for the fact that it's far-fetched to be pointed out. Also, ChocolateFrog17, I don't think that it is a bad idea but I'll have to change it around a bit. Plus, finished within a week. The next chapter will be put up, sister being out of the house permitting, on Wednesday. That will be my two month anniversary. 

Disclaimer: I think that this is pretty obvious by now. Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. I own this fic and the plot. 

Chapter Eleven: Black, Sirius

I could see that the hall had no trouble recognising that name. Some looked shocked, some scared, some, mostly Slytherin's I noticed, looked like they couldn't care less. Like they knew something that I didn't. I hate it when people do that. Act like they know something that I don't. I know a lot of things. Not that many but some. Of course, I only found out who the 'dark lord' was when Dumbledore was reading a letter he wrote to some ministry person out loud. I would know a lot more things if people would bother to tell me them. 

"Black, Sirius." McGonagall said. I could hardly believe it, I was only on the B's and already I was getting annoyed with the sortings. A tall boy with black hair walked over and put me on his head. 

_Yup._

__

__Huh? 

_Yup._

__

__Yup what? 

_Just yup._

__

__What are you talking about? 

_I just said yup. Just yup. Yup._

__

__Did you by any chance, have to many bertiebotts flavoured jellybeans on the train? 

_Yup._

__

__Which flavour?  


_Sugar._

__

__Sugar? 

_Yup. Sugar. Yup, yup, yup._

__

__Whatever. 

_Yup. Which house?_

__

__Why would I know? 

_I dunno why you would know._

__

__The answer is because I'm the sorting hat, I am a hat which sorts people into houses. 

_Yup. Sounds cool._

__

__Can you stop saying 'yup'? 

_Yup._

__

__Which house do you think you should be in? 

_Nope._

__

__What? 

_You said not to say the thing that I'm not saying so I'm saying nope._

__

__Could you calm down yet. 

_Nope, nope and nope._

__

__Yep, yep and yep. 

_Nope._

__

__Yep. 

_Nope._

__

__Yep. 

_Nope._

__

__Nope. 

_Yep._

__

_Nope._

__

_I mean nope._

__

_Nope._

__

_Nope._

__

__You said yep. 

_I mean nope._

__

__Then why did you say yep? 

_Dunno._

__

__Which house? 

_Nope._

__

__Slytherin? 

_NOPE._

__

__Ravenclaw? 

_NOPe._

__

__Hufflepuff? 

_NoPe._

__

__Gryffindor? 

_Nope... Yep._

__

__You said yep. 

_Nope._

__

__GRYFFINDOR! 

Some of the kids in the hall looked confused. I almost laughed at them. I knew he was innocent. I had heard the conversations after the tri-wizard tournament the year before. That sorting had been quiet fun... More than most were anyway. I could remember one that wasn't so fun though. It had actually been more scary. The sorting of... Peter Pettigrew. 

A/N: Next chapter it is... Peter Pettigrew. Apparently. I didn't know who it was going to be. I had planned for him to be later on. Anyway, it seems that Wednesday will now be tomorrow. Please still review though. Don't flame me and say that Sirius was OOC. That was me after being hyper myself. I had to try to stop myself writing Yuppity-Yup-yup-yup which is what I usually say when I'm hyper. Also, if you do review could you say which house you think you would have been put into? Personally, I'm a Ravenclaw. I seem to have Ravenclaw like personality traits. Second place I'm a Hufflepuff, third Gryffindor and fourth Slytherin. Anyway, I say again... Please review and I'll try to get the next chapter up tomorrow.__

__


	12. Pettigrew, Peter

Sorting Hat Capers By Brita*Chica 

A/N: Right, I should right this chapter quickly, I have other fics that I have to update today and I found that of all the days possible, my sister decides not to go to work today. Which means I'm on a strict time-limit on being on the internet. Anyway, thatnks for the reviews. Two more will make it become 75 and three will put it on it's fourth page. New characters added to list are: Moaning Myrtle and Colin Creevy. 

Disclaimer: I own the fic and the plot. Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J.K.Rowling. 

Chapter Twelve: Pettigrew, Peter

The hall seemed confused. I almost laughed at them for it. It was always nice to know something that they didn't and as far as I understood, they didn't know. I remembered though. I remembered to well. 

"Pettigrew, Peter." 

A short chubby boy walked up to me. Like most people when they are first years, he had a face of which shape that I fell over his eyes. Even more so than usual. 

_Are you talking._

__

__Pardon? 

_I thought that you should be sorting me._

__

__We both know which house you should be in? 

_Slytherin?_

__

__Actually I was thinking Hufflepuff. Hmm, no I wasn't. Your right, Slytherin. 

_You know why?  
_

__Yup. 'I said, still feeling the repercusssions of one of the earlier sortings that day.' 

_Do you think it's my fault?_

__

__Don't know. Why would I know? 

_I'm not sure._

__

_Never mind then._

__

_Could you just say Slytherin already?_

__

__You don't have to go into Slytherin you know?  


_Huh?_

__

__I said, you don't have to go into Slytherin you know. 

_Yes I do._

__

__Why? 

_You know why._

__

__Why though? 

_Coz I gotta follow family tradition_. 

Why? 

_Coz all my family were in Slytherin and I have to become a Deatheater and serve the dark lord when I'm older. All those I form a friendship with must be killed by me so that my loyalty is proved._

__

__Do ya wanna be evil? 

_It is my duty._

__

__Why? 

_I don't want to dissapoint my family._

__

__Chose which is more important. 

_Huh?_

__

__Family and traddition or friends and the truth? 

_Friends and the truth._

__

__Then you shouldn't be in Slytherin. 

_If you put me in any of the other houses and I made friends with anyone I could not promise that I would not still fufill my purpose as I member of my family._

__

__'I had been face with a dilema here. I had to, apparently be the one who chose where to put him. It only took me a few seconds to decide.' 

GRYFFINDOR! 

During that sorting people would think that I had made a mistake and that I should have put him in Slytherin but then, I think anyway, that would have made it worse. He would have been in the perfect enviroment to have been moulded into a follower of 'the dark lord'. Sure he became one anyway but if people ignore that bit I think I made the right choice. 

I looked around the hall at my audiance. They all looked confused. I had to think of something to get their minds off the sorting I had just told. So, I said that the next one would be... Sybil (A/N: Aha, a serch through book three later I know how to spell the surname) Trelawney. 

A/N: I foun the last name but chances are that I spelt the first name wrong. Anyway, the next chapter should be up soon. 


	13. Trelawney, Sybil

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: Okay, I have my excuses for not writing this sooner, since the last chapter there was a powercut and my dog had an operation to remove a stone from her lower intestine (I think it was from there, she was really ill anyway and is only now getting back to normal.) Anyway, Suggestions are still welcome but please don't ask for: James Potter, Lily Potter, Cho Chang, Cedric Diggory (can't spell it), Arthur Weasley, Molly Weasley, Lucious Malfoy, Mad-Eye Moody (I'll have to look up his name), Seamus Finnigan, Oliver Wood, Ruebus (looking up that spelling as well) Hagrid + my personal favourite character, Nearly Headless Nick. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related cahracters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Thirteen: Sybil Trelawney

I shuddered just thinking about her. I never did like her. If possible she had gotten weirder as she got older. She had freaked me out quite a bit when I sorted her. I looked round the great hall to see if she was there. She was but wasn't even looking in my direction. So... I started to tell the sorting. 

"Trelawney, Sybil." 

_Why are you here?_

__

__What?  


_Why are you here?_

__

__What do you mean why am I here. I'm here to sotrt people into houses. 

_Why?_

__

__Just... I am. That's my job. 

_You have no other purpose in life?_

__

__Huh? 

_Just having one purpose in your life seems strange to me._

__

__Why? 

_Actually. I understand it now._

__

__Understand what? 

_You have no purpose in life as you are not alive._

__

__I think therefore I am. 

_Why though? You can only think because of a magic spell. Can you remember when you were just any normal hat. Before you could 'think'?_

__

__No. 

_Well then..._

__

__What's you're point!? Can you remember being born. 

_I know that I was born though. You were not born. You were created. It is a compleately different thing._

__

__No it isn't. 

_Why do you say that._

__

__Huh? 

_You are fighting the truth because you know that it is true._

__

__I'm not fighting anything. 

_Yes you are..._

__

__RAVENCLAW! I yelled loudly just to get away from her. She had been scaring me. It left me thinking about what she had said for the rest of the sorting ceremony. 

I noticed that most of the hall was looking confused. I don't think thsat they had understood the sorting. There was one soreting however, that could be spelled out easily. 

The sorting of Lucious Malfoy. 

A/N: Okay. So, the next chapter is apparently Lucious Malfoy. Five reviews needed to get to 85, I don't see why the reviews went up to and stopped on 80. If it had bewen one over or one under then it would have been easier to get to the next '5' number. Anyway, does anyone know the surname of Molly Weasley before she was a Weasley? If not then that sorting will be quite hard. The next chapter will be up a lot sooner than this one was. Honest. Anyway, please review. 


	14. Malfoy, Lucius

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: Well, do people remeber in the last chapter I said that would be hard to get to 85? Actually, I got to 102 (now 104) reviews! The fic passed the 100 mark! Mainly due to MoonDancer, who was review number thirty a while back came and reviewed chapters 6-13. Anyway, 1 review needed to get to 105 and here is the next chapter. It wasn't supposed to be written this early but it has been because I feel really, hard to describe word: The feeling that people get when a fic gets reviews? Some people have to know what I mean. Anyway, at the start of the last chapter I forgot to say that I was doing Dumbledore, also, is the American spelling different from the English spelling? When I talk to someone from America they always spell it Dumbledor and miss out an 'e' on the end. Anyway, on with the fic. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Fourteen: Malfoy, Lucius

People knew who this person was. The famous Malfoy family, deatheaters, scamers and everything else that was bad. To be honest it had been the longest Malfoy sorting that I had had to endure and also the wierdest. 

"Malfoy, Lucius." 

_Put me in Slytherin_ 'he thought straight away'. 

Or what? 'I said aloud so that the hall hall could hear me. I was bored with sorting Malfoy after Malfoy when they always went into Slytherin. There was absolutely no point in it. 

_Or you'll pay!_

By cash or check? 

_I mean it! Put me in Slytherin now!_

No. 

_Yes!_

No. 

_Yes._

No. 

_Yes._

No. 'I said, still talking aloud.' I will not put you in Gryffindor. 

_WHAT!?_

You don't deserve to be put in Gryffindor. 

_I don't want to go into Gryffindor!_

I'm sorry, no matter how much you beg me I can not put you in Gryffindor. I have to put you in the house I think you are more suited to. 

_I don't want to go into Gryffindor you idiot._

It's no use threatening me. You can't get into Gryffindor. I'm sorry. 

_Are you stupid on purpose! Put me in Slytherin or I'll make you so sorry that you'll never be able to sing one of your stupid songs again!_

No! I will not give into your threats. I shall put you in the house that you belong in weather you like it or not. 

SLYTHERIN! 

From then on the school still thought that he had asked to be put in Gryffindor. 

The Great Hall was laughing, mostly at Draco Malfoy who was glaring at me. Even some of the Slytherin's were laughing. 

So, I decided to tell them a sorting that still made me want to laugh just thinking of it- at the sheer stupidity of it: Arthur Weasley. 

A/N: In my profile it says that I would get this chapter up the day which wa now yesterday. I am sorry as this is the first time that I have been on the internet since then. Anyway, please review. 

A/N: 1st May 2003 (a long time since the chapter.) In the A/N at the top, I made a typo and when I meant to 'mainly due to MoonDancer' I actually wrote 'mainly die to MoonDancer' This has now been corrected. 


	15. Weasley, Arthur

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: I'm not in that good of a mood at the minute- I just found out that my end of the argument was wrong and that you DON'T capitalise every word in a title, only the ones that are not words like 'and' or 'the'. I blame my English teachers. (Though at least I wasn't the only one who got it wrong, I had someone on my side of the argument.) Plus, I do not always correct people on their Grammar. Anyway, I think that I should be typing the story now, please review - two reviews needed to get to 110! Also, anyone remeber the compleatly messed-up Pettigrew chapter? It has it's on story but, this is spooky, whenever I post a chapter of it... The site goes down for repair or modifications which is getting me annoyed. Anyway, on with the story. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Fifteen: Weasley, Arthur

Despite all the varius types of sortings I had had to put up with in the most recent generation of Weasley children, none came close to the utter bizzareness of thier farther. Obssesed from an early age, there was nothing that I could do to save him. 

"Weasley, Arthur." 

Quite a tall boy came over and sat down on my stool, despite being tall he wasn't big or tough looking, he was more, like a skinny apple core which might sound mean to some people but thazt really wasd whatg he reminded me of. 

Which house for you then? 

_Huh?_

__

__Which house? 

_Which house do youi think?_

__

__Dunno, not Slytherin, they don't let Muggle-lovers in... 

_Muggle-lover? I admit that I am vedry interested in Muggle technoligys and ways but I would hardly consider myself as a Muggle-lover._

__

__Name some differences between Muggles and Wizards or Witches then. 

_Football, television, telepona..._

__

__Let me stop you there. 

_Why?_

__

__Most people would say... Quidditch, moving photos and magic. You just proved that you are a Muggle-lover y picking Muggle ones instead of wizard ones. 

_That doesn't prove anything._

__

__Yes it does. 

_No it doesn't._

__

__Name all the positions on a Football team. 

_Striker, defender,_ _mid-field and Goal keeper._

__

Now name all the positions on a Quidditch team. 

_Urrm... Chaser, Keeper, seeker and... Urrm, and..._

__

__You don't know. 

_Yes I do... Just give me a minute..._

__

__It's beater. 

_I KNEW THAT!_

__

__No you didn't. 

_How wouold you know?  
_

__I am the Sorting Hat, I can read you mind idiot. 

_I am not an idiot._

__

__Yes you are. 

_No I am not._

__

__Yes you are. 

_No I am not._

__

__Yes you are. 

_Not. Not. Not._

__

__Am. Am. Am. 

_Not times ten._

__

__Am times a hundred. 

_Not time a thousand._

__

__Am times infinaty. 

_Not times infanaty plus one!_

__

__I win. 

_What?_

__

__Do you honestly think that most Wizardsa know that game? 

__

_You knew it._

__

__I pulleed it out of your mind. 

_Yeah right. _'He said sarcastically'. 

Yeah. I am right. 

_No you're not._

__

__Okay then, lets play rock paper sizzors to find out. 

_Okay, after three... One, two, three..._

__

_Paper. _Rock.__

__

_How did you win?_

__

__I pulled it out of your mind. Wizards don't know that game either you know. 

_I'm going to go now._

__

__Without getting sorted? 

_Just sort me then will you?_

__

__Okay... GRYFFINDOR! 

He had actually stormed off my stool and went over to the table and sulked after I dorted him. I don't think that it was because he had gone into Gryffindor. I think that it was because he knew that I was right. 

After a small buit of comic relief for the hall I had already chose my next person... The Bloody Baron. 

A/N: Anyone knows his name? Anyone at all? 

__

__

__

__


	16. Baron, Bloody no name found

Sorting Hat Caper by Brita*Chica 

A/N: It was a while since I last reviewed this but here is a new chapter. I was without a computer for over a week and by the time I came back it was near the sixth anyway so I left it till today. I always update all of my fics which I am still updating on the sixth of a month as it will be three months today since I joined the site. (After giving a lot of pressure to my parents). On the search for the Bloody Baron's first name: It was never found. Baron probably isn't even his surname. A 'Baron' is the lowest form of British nobility. Suggestions are still welcome but, as people keep asking for the same ones, here is the list (you don't have to ask for these ones)_ Dumbledore, Lily, James, The Fat Friar, The Grey Lady, Nearly Headless Nick, Molly (Weasley), Mad Eye Moody, Pansy Parkinson, Narcissa Malfoy, Hagrid, Moaning Myrtle, Longbottom Parents (does the books give both of their first names? I think it gives at least one), Cedric Diggory, Colin Creevey, Seamus,_ _Hagrid, Oliver Wood and Cho Chang_. Which means that you should get at least twenty more chapters after this one. Anyway, three more reviews will get this fic to 120. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J.K.Rowling. 

Chapter Sixteen: Baron, Bloody (No name found)

Why did I have the nerve to tell of this story? Well, he wasn't there. That was why. Plus, he didn't scare me anyway. 

Okay, so he did but not as much as he scared most people. Plus, it was a sorting that I wasn't likely to forget in a hurry. 

"Baron, Bloody." The Headmaster said, as there wasn't a deputy head in then either. 

Good evening. 

__

_Good evening to yourself as well._

__

A Wizard are we? 

_Yes, that is what I am._

A highly esteemed and gracious Wizard I presume. 

__

_Indeed it is so._

__

The son of the Headmaster I believe? 

_You are correct._

__

Which house do you wish to be in? 

_Well, that question seems to be a tough one to answer. Which house do you recommend for me?_

__

__Definatly Slytherin. 

_Slytherin?_

__

__Yes. I highly recommend it for a person with such a high status as yourself. 

_Well, my status is extremely high._

__

__Definatly. 

_I am unsure though._

__

__What is the item you are unsure about? 

_My farther is in Ravenclaw and not in Slytherin. Does that not mean that I should be in Ravenclaw?_

__

__Oh no! You do not want to go into Ravenclaw. 

_I do not?_

__

__You definatly do not. Ravenclaw is the most hated of all the other houses. They are sly and stupid and have no idea of honour. 'I told him, taking pieces of the other houses that were not in Slytherin and placing them in Ravenclaw.' 

_My Farther tells me that Ravenclaw is the best house to be in._

__

__He would say that. Did I not tell you that all of those students in Ravenclaw are sly and evil? He is just trying to trick you. 

_He is?_

__

__He is. 

_Oh, thankyou for telling me. I almost made a grave error. I ask to be put into Slytherin then._

__

__Of course Sir. 

SLYTHERIN! 

That was at the point when I was telling the sorting of the Bloody Baron that he came in. I almost froze up as he glared at me. 

"Don't do that." He said staring at me. I shouldn't be scared. He couldn't do anything to me but he had a whole house of Slytherin student who would be scared of him enough to tear me to pieces if the asked them to. 

That was why I was scared of him. 

"Make it up to me." He said. 

"Yes Sir!" I chirped in the most cheerful voice that I could muster and I got ready to tell the sorting of the ghost most commonly known as Nearly Headless Nick. 

A/N: Apparently the next chapter is Nearly Headless Nick. I didn't know it was going to be him. It seems that it is though. 


	17. MimsyPorpington, Nicholas De

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: Firstly, one more review will get this fic to it's sixth page. Secondly, Marauder*fan, I'm not writing in Harry's sorting as we know that but I did reveal that he almost got put into Slytherin and said that I'd try to get that to lead somewhere but, as yet, I haven't worked where. Thirdly, After repeated pushing from reviewers I have done something that I have never done in this fic before- I know who is going be next before I write it. Even though I have provided a list of requested sortings and appreciate suggestions (even though I do prefer suggestions not already suggested) two names have keep appearing. So, the next chapter after this will be Lily and the one after, James. Please review. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J.K.Rowling. 

Chapter Seventeen: Mimsy-Porpington, Nicholas De

Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid. The words flowed round my head, well, not a head as such I suppose. I guess that the part of me considered a head would be my tip then. 

Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid. The words flowed round my tip. Nah, I think that head does sound better. 

Not that it matters much. I'll likely be pulled apart by my stitches by the Bloody Baron. Then I won't have to worry about if I have a head or if I have a tip. 

I can see him glowering at me. He's not the only one. Nearly Headless Nick is as well. Honestly though, in my position I think that you would be more scared of the former weather than the later. 

I sucked in a deep breath, if that was even the right word, wait. I was letting myself get distracted again. 

"Mimsy-Porpington, Nicholas De." The first ever Hogwarts Headmistress called out from the scroll she was holding. There wasn't a deputy-head for another four hundred and ten years yet. 

A Nowhere-Near-Nearly-Headless-Nick walked up to the stool and put me on hid head. 

NO! 

_What? What? Huh? What? What? _

__

__I... It's can't be. It just can't be. 

_What can't be. Tell me._

__

__I can not believe it. No, I don't want to believe it. It can not possibly be true. 

_What can not possibly be true?_

__

__This is terrible. How can it be so? Oh how? 

_Tell me. Please tell me!_ 'He said, starting to get agitated.' 

You don't want to know. It's so terrible I don't even think that I could say. Even if I thought that you could handle it. 

_I can handle it. Please tell me what._

__

__Well... 

_Please tell me. I shall not tell that it was you whom which told me._

__

__I... No! I should not say. 

_Please?_

__

__Well, as you asked so nicely I suppose that I could say. 

_Thankyou._

__

__I have seen the future. Your future. 

_Really!?_

__

__Yes. 

_What did you see?_

__

__Your future. 

_Yes. I have understood that. What did you see?_

__

__Your future.__

__

_Yes but what did you see happening in my future?_

OH! What did I see happening! 'I said trying not to laugh.' 

_Yes that is what I meant. Please tell me._

__

__I see pain. 

_Pain?_

__

__Yes, pain. Tremendous pain and urrm... Sorrow. I see pain and sorrow 

_Pain and sorrow?_

__

__Hurt as well. 

_Hurt?_

__

__Terrible suffering. 

_Terrible suffering?_

__

__Horrible fear. 

_Horrible fear?_

__

__Yes. 

_Yes?_

__

__What are you? A parrot? 

_You saw this in my future?_

__

__I saw this in your future? 

_Did you?_

__

__Did I? 

_Did you see anything specific in my future?_

__

__I told you. 

_You did?_

__

__Yeah. Pain, sorrow, hurt, suffering and fear. 

_Do you see anything else/_

__

__No. WAIT!  


_What? What do you see?_

__

__I see... I see. 

_Yes?_

__

__A gullible idiot sitting with a sorting hat on his head. 

GRYFFINDOR! 'I yelled, not being able to keep my laughter in anymore. 

He had stormed off after that. He did the same thing now. He went through the wall and out of the room the way that Peeves had. Some people can't take a practical joke. 

The hall was looking at me again. Some were laughing but, even though I had already told them that most of them didn't have sortings worth telling about. That was when I had an idea. I had to tell sortings of people not in the hall to calm them down a bit. Then they might listen to me more. 

I thought about a sorting then that might calm them down. Lily Potter. 

A/N: Please review. __

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	18. Evans, Lily

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: Sorry for not posting this sooner, I just started school again after ages off and evil homework and English poetry essays stopped me writing fanfiction. Also, I'm not putting Harry's sorting in (KeMu and marauder*fan and taigirl1325.) Four reviews needed to get to 145. Actually, this wasn't supposed to get written till Monday but I'm bored and it's been annoying me that it hasn't been written and I didn't want to not have posted a chapter in two weeks. New suggestions for sortings are- Mr. Olivinder, Justin, Angelina (after a quick check in books it is spelt with an 'e' in it), Katie and Lee Jordan. Also, Kasey: Does Dumbledore has a brother? Maybe I should start reading the books again- I've forgotten loads of the things that happen. Anyway, please review people. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J.K.Rowling. 

Chapter 18: Evans, Lily

I looked round the great hall to see the reaction to my announcement. Malfoy and his lackeys looked smug at something, I knew what it was of course, it was due to the sorting which I had just mentioned. Some of the hall looked intrigued, Hermione Granger looked confused, Harry Potter looked quite evil and Ronald Weasley looked ready to rip me up more than I have been. That's another thing- I never got looked after well enough, just because I'm really old, well, I'm not really, I'm sure that loads of other hats are older than me. It's not like I go round yelling "get off the lawn" and calling young children "whippersnappers." Well, not to get off the subject- only once. 

"Evans, Lily" McGonagall said, the strain starting to show in her voice. I think the sorting bores her. It is quite boring anyway. 

Hi. 

Whadda you wan'? 

To be sorted, if that's okay with you. 

What!? Oh, now you're asking my opinion. It doesn't seem to have been valued before by you I can say. 

Huh?" 

When I fought in the Civil War I was respected. I was a darn well tootin' good fighter and my enemies stood no chance against me. 

Name one of the leaders of the Civil War? 'She asked me knowingly, knowingly talking people can be really annoying. Always talking like they know stuff.' 

Urmm, urrm, Henry The Eighth? 

No. 

Queen Victoria? 

No again. 

Edward? 

Which Edward? 

Edward the Sixth? 

He died at Sixteen. 

He could have been a leader in the war though. 

No he wasn't a leader in the Civil War. 'She said and I felt her shake her head below me slightly.' 

Okay then. Who _DID_ lead? 

King Charles the First and Oliver Cromwell. 

I knew that. I fought in that war I'll have you know. 

No you didn't. 

Yes I did. 

You so did not. 

I sssssssssoooooooooo did to. By the way, girl, did you know that that make up is so old fashioned? Don't you have any pride in your looks? 

What? 

How long are you going to be here? 

Until you sort me. 

What if I don't want to sort you. What if I don't like Muggle-Borns? 

Why are you so mean to Muggle-borns. 

I'm not. 

Yes you are, you just said so. 

No. If I was meant to Muggle-borns I would have called them Mud-Bloods not Muggle-Borns. 

I don't think that I like you. You're mean and boring. 

Well I don't think that I like you again. You're a smart-alec. 

Could you just sort me please? 

Slow down you young whippersnapper. In my day we took our time to go from place to place instead of just rushing around everywhere. 

... 

GRYFFINDOR! 'I yelled out loud and she stormed off to sit down.' 

Not too much of a reaction had come from the hall. Most people just looked like they had before I told the sorting. Students can be so stupid sometimes. So I announced my choice for the next sorting- James Potter. 

A/N: See, I said I'd do James after Lily. Also, please don't ask for sortings of people who have already been asked for. There should be a list a few chapters back and the new suggestions are on here and in the reviews section. All other suggestions are appreciated though. Please review. 


	19. Potter, James

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: Firstly- One review will get this to 150 and two will get it onto it's seventh page so please review. A list of the people who have been requested so far will be at the bottom of the fic. To marauder*fan, I might do Harry's sorting, I'm not sure yet. To KickYerArse, I thought Ipswich had one game left to stay in but they probably don't have. To Hestia- I really know nothing about the American Civil War. To Celtic Ember- All suggestions welcome but I'll probably change it a bit. To everyone- on with the fic (well, stupid disclaimer first.) 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J.K.Rowling. 

Chapter Nineteen: Potter, James

Well, looking round the hall, they still looked... Exactly the same. Well, this sorting should wake them up a bit. If they even could be. 

"Potter, James." McGonagall said to the hall, I point out again that noone ever says people's name to me. It's so not fair. 

A tall boy with scruffy black hair and dark black eyes walked over to me with a stupid grin on his face. Like he knew something I didn't. That was when I started to get worried. I know from past experiences that when I feel worried there is usually something to feel worried about. 

_Hi-howdy howdy. Hi-howdy howdy._

What? 

_I said... Hi-howdy howdy. Hi-howdy howdy._

Why? 

_Why what howdy-howdy?_

Why do you keep saying Howdy! 

_'Coz I wanna. Hi-howdy howdy._

Shut up. 

_Howdy- don't want to._

Shut up. 

_Hi-howdy- won't._

Shut up. 

_Hi-howdy howdy. Hi-howdy howdy-nope._

'That was when it hit me. What was going on and how to stop him.' You didn't by any chance meet a boy by the name of Sirius Black on the train did you? 

_Hi-howdy yes I did. _'He said in a very fake American accent.' 

Yup. 

_Howdy-howdy what?  
_

Yup. 

_Howdy why are you saying yup?_

'Coz you're copying him and I'm doing the same. 

_Damn._

Why are you copying him?  


_I want to go into Gryffindor._

Really!? That's the last place I would have put you in. 

_Huh?_

Why shouldn't I put you in Hufflepuff? 

_I'm too smart._

Why shouldn't I put you in Ravenclaw? 

_I'm too dumb._

Why shouldn't I put you in Slytherin? 

_I'm too nice._

Why shouldn't I put you in Gryffindor?  


_I'm too evil._

_..._

_Hey! Don't do that!_

What? 

_Trick me._

I didn't. 

_Yes you did._

You're point is? 

_You shouldn't do that._

Why not. 

_'Coz I said that you shouldn't._

I say that I can. 

_Mean._

That's weird. 

_What is?  
_

Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Tom Riddle. 

_Who?_

Lord Voldemort I think he called himself. 

_Wha... Take that back right away._

Why? 

_I thought you could read minds. _

I can. 

_Then why did you ask why?_

I'm bored. 

_Do I have to tell you?_

Nope. You don't wanna be put into Slytherin 'coz that's where all his deatheaters are and you're scared that he'll be able to find you more easily because he's after you. 'I sang in a mocking tune.' 

_Hmmph._

Hmmph? 

_Yes, hmmph._

Fine. Whatever. Did you know that you are really annoying to sort? 

GRYFFINDOR! 

I noticed that the students had actually changed a bit. Potter-boy was looking daggers at me. Why daggers? Why not swords or anything? Anyway. He was getting held back from what I assumed, was ripping me open down my stitches, by Ron Weasly and Hermione Granger. I decided to tell a sorting that would- hopefully calm him down. One that was a cross between funny and boring. Professor Binns. 

A/N: If anyone knows his first name- Please tell me. Anyway- here are the sortings asked for so far (don't ask for these ones.) 

Dumbledore, Hagrid, The Fat Friar, The Grey Lady, Molly (Weasley), Alastor (Mad Eye) Moody, Pansy Parkinson, Moaning Myrtle, Narcissa Malfoy, (Frank?) Longbottom, His wife Longbottom, Cedric Diggory, Cho Chang, Seamus, Oliver Wood, Colin Creevey, Mr. Olivinder, Justin, Angelina, Katie, Lee Jordan, Dumbledore's brother (if he exists, I still haven't found out) and possibly Harry Potter. You can ask for anyone who's not these people. Hopefully the italics will work unlike the last chapter. Please review. 


	20. Binns, No name again

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: Thankyou to people for telling me Dumbledore's brother's name. I might try to add that one in the future, it will be hard though as hardly much is known about him. Other new sortings added are- Quirrel, Lockhart and Hooch. I've already done Professor Trelawney (chapter thirteen.) gold 104.5, what why not McGonagall? Kahili, I originally heard the name from reading a lot of fics and thought 'how come everyone seems to use the same name' but apparently it was in an interview that J. K. Rowling did so that's how I know. KickYerArse, where are you actually from? You seem to know about Norwich City FC. hello kitty, when do I keep going on about Americans? I didn't think I did. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. Anything original belongs to me. 

Chapter Twenty: Binns, No Name Again

Undoubtedly the most boring and least boring sorting in my long old career. Talk about old before your time. It's a wonder he didn't drop down dead earlier. 

"Binns, (No Name Again.)" I heard the deputy head teacher say. He looked bored and personally I couldn't blame him. There is nothing more boring than the sorting ceremony. At least he would get to look forward to the feast at the end of it. Unlike me. 

The kid shuffling slowly towards me got to eat at the feast as well. I don't see why he didn't hurry up. I was guessing that he was either very bored or very scared. 

Which gave me an idea to make this sorting a bit less tedious than it was starting out to be. 

Hi. 

__

_Hmm._

Why are you here? 

__

_To be sorted... I think._

You think. 

You think? 

You think! 

You are not at this school to think! You are at this school to learn how to kill. 

__

_What are you talking about? This is a school for learning magic._

Huh. Is that what you think you weakling? Why do you think we teach the black arts here then you idiot! 

__

_Actually you tech defence against the dark arts. Not the dark arts._

You really believe that? That's just a lie so parents send their kids here. 

__

_That's not true. My father went here himself._

Well, that just goes to show you then. We have that much of an affect. 

__

_What?_

Your father was a weak cry-baby just as you are. He would not study the dark arts so he was sent to the torture chamber. Where his wretched soul wanders to this very day. He never stood a chance defying us and neither do you. His death was in vain. 

__

_My father's still alive._

That's what you think. Mwahahahahaha. 

__

_What are you whittering on about now? I saw my father before I got here._

His body may be but his mind was left here. Bwahahahahaha. 

__

_Shut up._

Why? Am I scaring you little one? Gwahahahaha. 

_Leave me alone._

__

__You should be scared you know. I would be if I was a student here. I'd be purely terrified. 

_Wha? _'I could feel him starting to be scared.' 

So very scared. Poor old Billy. 

_Who's Billy?_

__

__Poor, poor Billy. He never stood a chance. 

_Who is Billy!  
_

__Believe me. You don't want to know. It makes me feel physically sick just thinking about it. 

_What happened to him?_

__

__He was so much like you. He talked like you. He looked like you. He was a total weakling like you. 

_I am not a weakling. I'm quite smart actually._

__

__You don't want to be smart in school. You want to be strong in school. Poor Billy never fought anyone. That was his downfall. 

_His downfall?_

__

__Yes. They got him. It was such a shame. 

_You're just saying these things to scare me aren't you. _

__

__Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. 

_You are stupid. I'm not falling for your tricks._

__

__Tricks? What tricks? I think I am doing no tricks. I am telling the truth. 

_You sir- are certainly no truth teller._

What? 

_You are not telling the truth._

__

Well, think about it. There are many students who come here. Some of them may have been called Billy and how would you know what happened to all of them. 

_Leave me alone._

__

__Gladly. 

RAVENCLAW! 

I noticed the now-professer looking blank. On further inspection- I think he was actually asleep. The cheek of it! How could he do that? Well, I was going to get my own back. 

The sorting of Narcissa Malfoy. 

A/N: Finished. I haven't updated anything recently. Sorry. Two reviews needed to get to 170. 


	21. Malfoy, Narcissa

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: Well, I haven't updated this for nearly a month and I'm sorry but I haven't forgotten Fanfiction, non-internet life sort of caught up with me and dragged me away from the computer screen. One review needed to page Eight even though on the story it says 173 which has confused me. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J.K.Rowling. Anything that ends up original belongs to me. 

Chapter Tewnty-One: (Malfoy,) Narcissa.

I glanced over to the Slytherin table to see how my new sorting decision had gone down. Malfoy must have thought that I had a personal vendetta against him as this was the third sorting I'd told of his family. Currently he was scowling at me and looking quite evil. 

"(Malfoy,) Narcissa." I heard Dumbledore say to me. I hadn't had very good sortings so far today so I wasn't paying attention to what she looked like which was a mistake. 

Hi. Can we just get this one over with quickly. I don't like you and you don't like me and I'm very bored so hurry up and pick your house. 

_Slytherin._

Yikes! Why do you think like that! What's wrong with you! 

_What are you going on about? Look, just put me in Slytherin. I don't want to be here any more than you do._

Stop it! You're freaking me out. 

_What?  
_

How old are you?  


_Eleven. Now just sort me!_

Wow. I guess kids are growing up faster these days. 

_What are you talking about?_

Don't you think you're a bit young? 

_You're supposed to join at eleven! _

I just meant that you have matured a bit sooner than most kids your age have. 

_Get lost pervert._

Hey! Why'd you call me that! I didn't mean there! 

_Just sort me. I'm a girl with a mission and I want to get into the actual school._

Well, if you want to have the operation when you're older... 

_What operation?_

Oh, you just want to pretend then. That's probably a good thing. You might find that people will still judge you though_._

_People?_

Not me. Really not me. Would I judge you? No way, no how. I really, really didn't mean me. 

_What are you babbling on about?_

Nothing Sir! 

_Just sort me will you._

Urrm... About that. I don't think you should be put in Slytherin. 

_Why not!_

I don't think that they will let you in with you being... The way you are and I... 

_What do you mean the way I am?_

I'm not judging you. I'm really not. I just think that they won't let you leave the house intact. 

_Just put me in the house!_

How about you go into Hufflepuff instead. They might be more suited to your needs in there. 

_I'm not joining those wimps! I belong in Slytherin._

Well, maybe you do but I don't think it's safe for you. I have your best interests at heart. 

_What do you know about my interests?_

Well... 

_Just because I'm a girl you think I don't have what it takes to be a deatheater!?_

"WHAT!" 'I actually yelled that out loud, making a lot of heads turn round to face me confused.' 

_What?_

"You're not a boy?" I asked still out loud from shock. 

_What are you talking about. Do I sound like a boy to you._

I thought your voice had broken. I thought you were pretending to be a girl and... 

_"What!" _'This time she yelled it out loud, causing even more people to turn round and look. She sounded very angry so I decided to try to get out of this in the easiest way that I could think of. 

"SLYTHERIN!" 

She had then stormed off and sat down at her table, scowling at me. I think the wind must have changed direction or something as I think it got stuck that way. I think it still is. 

The hall was laughing now, I don't think it was at me. I think it was at Malfoy who stood up and, beckoning at Crabbe and Goyle, tried to storm out of the hall only to be stopped by a prefect who blocked the exist to the door. 

I couldn't decide who to say about next but I noticed someone who wasn't laughing at all. 

"Why aren't you laughing Cho Chang? I remember our sorting very well." 

A/N: I won't cliché her (person with no name in the review.) I'm not a Cho/Krum/Petigrew hater like some fans. 


	22. Chang, Cho

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: The update is yet again late due to the computer and then the internet crashing, each for quite a while. To Fetch: I never said that Dumbledore was the headmaster or the deadmaster- I aid that he was the deputy headmaster which I thought that it was. Also, these sortings aren't supposed to be what happened, that's why it's called FanFiction. Madame Pince, Madame Pomfrey and Professor Sprout added to the list. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J.K.Rowling. Anything that ends up original belongs to me. 

Chapter Twenty-Two: Chang, Cho

I don't think that most of the hall knew who Cho Chang was. Not many of them seemed to be paying attention to me again. As usual. Noone ever pays attention to me. Well, this sorting should get their attention. 

"Chang, Cho." McGonagall barked out- I think she does that to make it seem like she's the strictest teacher in school to the little first-years. She isn't though- I'd have to say that that title probably belongs to Snape. Not much of a good title to have really. Something like 'Sexiest teacher' or 'Smartest teacher' or something like that would be better. It would give a better reputation anyway. 

_Hello._

__

__Hmm. 

_Is that all?_

__

__Is what all? 

_Is that all you're going to say to me? I thought you'd be a nicer person!  
_

I'm not a person anyway. 

_So? That doesn't mean that you have to be so mean to me._

__

I'm not being mean to you! 

_Yes you are. I knew you would be. Everyone around here will probably be mean to me._

__

Honest- I'm not being mean to you! I will soon if you don't shut up. 

_I'll cry._

Huh? 

_I'll cry if you are mean to me anymore. I mean it- don't push me._

__

Okay then, I guess it's Hufflepuff... 

_How dare you!_ 'She suddenly sounded quite indignant.' 

How dare I what? 

_How dare you think of putting me into a house filled with yellow-bellied freaks. I should report you to the Headmaster. When my parents find out about this you'll be a handbag!_

__

A handbag? 

_Do you want me to be the cause of your demise?_

__

Err, no? 

_If you dare to even think about putting me into Hufflepuff again then you will be sorry. You'll get the chop you will!_

__

Okay then- I guess it's Slytherin... Hang on a minute, what are you talking about, the chop? 

_The chop generally means that a person looses their head- mainly from an axe or a guillotine. During the French revolution a lot of noble men and women got their heads removed. Henry VIII had two of his wives destroyed like this. There is a ghost haunting this place who was beheaded but that did not work very well. Many other famous figures in history have been beheaded and quite a few of them for religious purposes. Other common historical types of killing were hanging, cutting someone into quarters and burning at a stakes which was what happened to so-called witches not so many hundred years ago. 'She replied in a pompous voice.'_

__

What? Ravenclaw... 

_Oh Ravenclaw would not be too bad I suppose, I do not think however that I will be able to prove how gallant I am and, if the need arises, I do not think that I would be able to save many people if I was in Ravenclaw and I want to do that more than anything in the world. When I grow up I plan to be something like a Muggle nurse so that I can help to cure people which is oh so enjoyable. I could never become something like a lawyer, they are so dishonest and I couldn't bear to lie to people- only evil people, as the such in Slytherin could do that._

__

Gryffindor... Hang on a minute- have you been reading books or something? 

_Yup- so, which house should I go in I think that I have covered most of the personality points needed to be accepted._

__

__Huh? Covered all the points? 

_Yeah you need to prove that you have enough personality to go into each of the houses._

__

You don't do that!  
__

_You don't?_

__

Why would you? 

_'Cause I got told that if I didn't then I would end up being kicked out._

__

__Since when? 

_How am I meant to know? You've been here longer than I have._

__

__Maybe it's a new rule. I should ask. 

_You probably should._

__

Who told you about this rule? 

_Oh he was called something like Frog, Freig, Fred! That was it, Fred something._

__

Weasly? 

_I think so._

__

Never mind then. I don't need to check. 

_So, which house am I supposed to be in?_

__

Hmm, RAVENCLAW! 

I think that the Weasly boy remembered the sorting- those twins had been the source of so many miss-interpreted sorting ides for first years that I can't even count them! Not much of the Ravenclaw table was laughing, I think that they now have an idea that she isn't exactly smart enough to be a Ravenclaw. Of course, there's always someone better than you and someone more stupid and I think that I found the stupidest one a few sortings ago. 

A certain Mister Colin Creevey. 

A/N: The next chapter (computer's health permitting) shall be up within the week. 


	23. Creevey, Colin

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J.K.Rowling. 

Chapter Twenty-Three: Creevey, Colin

I actually saw him go red when I announced that I was going to tell his sorting to the rest of the school. He also shot a half hidden glance at that Potter boy. The definite star of his sorting. 

"Creevey, Colin." McGonagall said wearily. It must be hard being a deputy head, you have to read out the names for the sorting! I don't know why she's complaining though. It's quite a bit harder to sort people. That's a lot harder than a list. Sometimes it's a _lot_ harder. 

_Hi!_

__

__Whatever. 'I had decided then that I didn't like him. He was definatly too chirpy. This hadn't been the best of sorting days seeing as someone had forgotten to get me and only managed to just before the first years got in.' 

_Aren't you going to say hi?_  


No.__

__

_Why not?_

__

Just pick a house. I've still got lots to do after you and I want to get some rest. 

_Well, which house should I pick?  
_

I don't know. Do you have any siblings here? 

_No._

Any friends, wait, scrap that question... 

_I met this girl on the train here, Ginny something._

__

__Oh great, another Weasley, this day just keeps getting better and better. Gryffindor then. 

_How did you know that. You haven't even seen her yet._

Trust me kid. When you've seen as many Weasley's as I have you learn that nothing is guess work in that family. 

_So, are you putting me in Gryffindor then?_

__

Yes. Keep up. 

_I don't know if I want to go Gryffindor._

__

Huh? Look, I already told you that I am having a really bad day, now if you don't pick a flippin' house then I'll won't sort you at all and you'll be on the first muggle mode of transport back to whatever little slimy hole you crawled out of, got it yet? 

_You don't have to so mean. I just want to know what kind of people are in there._

__

Didn't you listen to my song? 

_Yes but I wanted to know who is in there. Specifically._

__

Urrm, the Weasleys, most of the muggle borns. People defined in my song. Harry Potter... 

_Hang on a second!_

__

What now? 

_Harry Potter is in Gryffindor? I knew that he was in the school, somewhere, in Gryffindor?_

Yes, that's why I said that he was in Gryffindor, because he is. How much more dumber can you get. 

_Can I take a photo of you?_

__

That much dumber then. What are you talking about? 

_I take photos of people. I hope to do it for a living when I get older. It's just so simple and innovative._

__

Wow, that baby made a sentence with a really big word in. I think that it's time for him to move house. 

_Huh?_

__

You're not using a muggle camera are you?  


_Yeah, of course_. 

Won't work. 

_What won't work._

__

A muggle camera. Probably anyway, I don't know much about what type of technology _does_ actually work around here. A wizard camera would, plus you can take photos that move and all. 

_Really? That is "so cool!" 'He actually ended up saying the end of his sentence of loud. Photo-maniac-idiot._

Just think, if you got a wizard camera then you could take moving pictures of the fabled Harry Potter. 

_Really? That really "is so cool." 'Maybe he was a Harry-Potter-obsessed-star-struck-photo-maniac-idiot.'_

You have to go away to be able to do that though don't you. 

_Huh?_

It's time for you to go live you're own life now. It's over between us. I'm sop sorry. I just can't go on with you. In time,. I'm sure you'll find another hat to replace me. One that, doesn't mind stupid idiots who do not leave them alone. There, is new life out there for you. So, this is goodbye. 

_You know, you're sounding more and more sarcastic everytime you talk._

__

Ya think? 

"GRYFFINDOR!" 

It had actually taken a while to sort him. Quite a long while actually. I hate it when people take a long time to be sorted. Like that stupid Irish boy. Whatshisname. Seamus Finnigan. Yeah, that was it. 

A/N: The next chapter probably won't be up during the week this time as I'm going to try and update some of my other ones. It shouldn't be up too much later though.  



	24. Finnigan, Seamus

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: This update is a bit later than I'd planned but the one after should be up quite soon. I will be doing a Hufflepuff soon, next chapter in fact. A list of names to be included will be at the bottom so that they don't get asked for again (hopefully.) Also, I don't think that Irish people talk like this (or Scottish.) Plus, these aren't typing errors in the work- they're there to emphasis the accents. This will also be updated within a week. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Twenty-Four: Finnigan, Seamus.

I saw him glance over at the Hufflepuff table when I called out his name. He hadn't looked it at for long but I knew that look. That look had given me one of the most annoying sortings of his year. 

"Finnigan, Seamus." McGonagall called out to me- almost waking me up. I say almost because I had only half managed to get to sleep. It's not like I can get enough sleep in 364 or so days. I have to come up with a new sorting, ponder why people never remember me during those 364 or so days, listen into some conversations and make sure that annoying phoenix doesn't eat me. It's no wonder I get exhausted. 

_Urrm... Hello?_ 'I spotted his weakness straight away. These type are always the easiest to wind up.' 

Oh! Have ye brout me a pot o' gold frim the rainbow laddie? 

_Don't do that._

__

Dunno do whut. 

_That- that leprechaun accent._

__

__Why me! A leprechaun? Nah- you can git on yer bike young laddie if you think I be a onea the-a-m. 

_Can't you just sort me?_

__

__Where wuld ye like to be sorted inta ten? 

_Urrm- Hufflepuff?_

__

Hufflepuff! 'I had been so shocked that I forgot to put on my accent.' Huffle-poff indeed sonnie? 

_Yes._

__

Sure nut Raven-on-clwe? 

_I mean Hufflepuff._

__

Sure ye donna mean Slytherain? 

_I mean Hufflepuff._

__

__Sure you woudnut prefer Gryf-in-doar? 

_I mean Hufflepuff._

__

Sure it i' not Huffle-poff you mean? 

_I mean Hufflepuff... Hey._

__

__Ye-hey?__

__

_ Why are being so stupid and mean?_

__

__Oh I! I ain't bein' mean noow. 

_You do realise your being Scottish, not Irish._

__

__Hey! I'm being Irish and you better take that back you... You... 'I stuttered, forgetting my accent again.' 

_Me... Me..._

__

You ungrateful immigrant! 

_Excuse me!_ 'Now I was in for it, I had to try to get out of it quickly before he attacked me.' 

"GRYFFINDOR!" 

_I said Hufflepuff!_

__

I forgot- I thought you were going to attack me- anyway, top ov the nght to ya and move along please- I do have more sortings to complete. 

Thinking about the sorting got me thinking about the Hufflepuff's- and of one of the most recently recent famous people in it. The sorting probably wouldn't go down to well but anyway, I announced my choice to the rest of the hall. "Cedric Diggory!" 

A/N: Okay- sortings that have already been asked for (and don't need to be asked for again) are: Dean, Hagrid, Madam Hooch, Oliver Wood, Susan Bones, the Patil twins (both in the same chapter,) Hannah Abbott, Professor Sprout, Madam Pince, Madam Pomfrey, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Ernie MacMillan, Marcus Flint, Longbottom sn's. Dumbledore, Professor Quirell, Lockhart, Professor Flitwick, Mr Olivinder, Alastor Moody, Molly (Weasley,) Pansy Parkinson, Fat Friar, Grey Lady, Moaning Myrtle, Fudge and possibly Harry and Dumbledore's brother. 


	25. Diggory, Cedric

Sorting Hat Capers By Brita*Chica 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J.K.Rowling. 

Chapter Twenty-Five: Diggory, Cedric

I could see the hall's reaction straight away. The Slytherin's didn't seem to care and they were almost laughing- especially the deatheaters, well, the ones I thought were deatheaters. Children of them anyway. 

The Ravenclaws and Gryffindor's were both reacting in the same way. A slight indifference mixed with partial disgust and the rest made up of whatever personal emotions they were feeling. The Hufflepuff's all seemed to be in a mood with me already. They would probably be in even more of a mood later on after they had actually heard the sorting. 

"Diggory, Cedric." 

Okay then. Hurry up. Which house are you going to be in then? 

_Excuse me?_

__

I said 'which house are you going to be in then?' 

_I think that you are the thing that is supposed to decide that, not me._

__

Yeah, well... 

_Yeah? Well?_

__

It's not always like that you see... 

_It should always be like that. What is the point of you being here if you are not even going to do what you are supposed to do? You might just as well, pick a strip of paper from a hat._

__

__OI! There's no need for language like that young man. 

_Language like what?_

__

Like... That. 

_I'm sorry, I am not really understanding you at this moment._

__

__Stop being a smart-arse. 

_Why should I?_

__

__Look- I am very good at my job. 

_Job? Do they pay you for this? Maybe you should be looking for a new vocation._ 'His voice was becoming more sarcastic with each comment. Now I was starting to really get annoyed.' 

Look you... 

_You seem to say the word 'look' a lot. Maybe you should be an optician, come to the hat optician, stick me on your head and I'll ask you to decide what is wrong with your eyesight._

__

Oi... 

_Or a policeman- Oi- stop, yes you there, I think that you have some explaining to do mister. Stick me on your head and tell me what you have done wrong- I can't really be bothered to find out myself._

__

That's gone far enough... 

_Or a councillor. Now, I know that you have some deep emotional problems here. Maybe you should talk to me about them and then analyse them yourself._

__

__Your father... 

__

_Huh?_

__

Ha- your father, quidditch, urrm, NEWTS, OWLS, your house. How's that for a physiological profile! 

_That's what they do for criminals._

Yeah- and, by the way, that's how you are. If whinging was a punishable offence then let me tell you sonny, they would reinstate the death penalty just to get some peace. 

_What do you know._ 'Now he was just plain sneering at me.' 

Now, I don't know what your problem is... Oh yes I do... Your over-enthusiastic father, not getting into a quidditch team, not doing well in your NEWTS or OWLS and your family not accepting your wanted house. That's why you wanted to make me choose. It won't work, just to let you know. 

_What won't?_

__

Your plan to make me put you in a different house. You do belong where you already chose. It will be quite strange as well- I don't think that they had someone who will stand out for ages.__

__

_What do you mean by that!_  


Oh don't act all defensive again- it just makes your face look funny. Look- we all know where you want to go so why not put you in there and save us both some time. 

__

_Fine then._

__

I do suppose that they have the worst quidditch team- you know that I know that you know that you'll get in there. Good house to pick, you'll outshine anyone in it without having to try, mind you, anyone would. 

_Hang on a minute, I could get into a different house's quidditch team!?_

__

"HUFFLEPUFF!" 

I could see them glaring at me already. I don't know why- I had told them the truth. I think that he would have preferred to be in a different house- if he had thought that he would be able to stand out in it. Mind you... Parents. 

I think that the hall was getting a bit grouchy with me again. Which was why I chose the next sorting that I did. I think that it was the wrong one giving the circumstances though- It was one of the most literally uncomfortable sortings that I had done for a lone while. 

Professor Sprout. 

A/N: Sorry if I went a bit overboard on the '...' And '-' Next chapter should be up soon. 


	26. Sprout, Professor

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

A/N: Couldn't find Professor Sprouts name which is the explanation for the title. Alec6427, I plan to do some characters only mentioned once of twice in the book but if I don't plan to create characters to put in the chapters. 

Chapter Twenty-Six: Sprout, Professor

"Sprout, ?" The deputy Headmistress almost yelled at me, waking me up from the almost trance-like sleep I had been in. I don't like being locked away for most of the year every year but I don't really like having to do all the students at once. Especially when it is a big year. Like this one. 

I looked to the side of me and saw a short girl, walking towards me. After what seemed like an eternity, during which I wanted to yell out loud that she should hurry up, she put me on her head. Not a comfortable experience. She could have at least washed her hair first. 

Hi carrot. 

_What?_

__

__What what? 

_What are you talking about?_

__

__What? All I said was Hi Potato. 

_What? Hang on, you said Hi carrot. Why?_

__

__Nothing Miss broccoli. 

_What are you going on about? I don't understand._

__

__Then I think it's obvious which house you should be in then. If you don't understand me. 

_For your information. I wanted to go there anyway._

__

__Really? 'This had flawed my plans a bit.' 

_Yes. I do want to join Ravenclaw._

__

__Ravenclaw? 'I laughed a bit and almost said it out loud. Which would have meant that I would have put her in it. 

_What is wrong with my plan?_

__

Nothing. Nothing at all Cabbage. I just don't think you're right for Ravenclaw. 

_Why?_

__

__Books or plants. 

_Plants._

__

__Quidditch team place or good NEWT results? 

_Quidditch team place._

__

__Herboligy or Muggle Studies? 

_Herboligy._

__

__See. My point exactly Lettuce. 

_What is with the vegetables? I don't get it._

__

__Think about for a while. You might understand eventually. 

"HUFFLEPUFF!" I yelled. Eager to get the sorting over with before she realised what the vegetables were and yelled at me for it. 

Some of the hall were laughing. Most were in fact, apart from the Hufflepuff table. She was their leader after all. Noone likes it to be suggested that their leader may be incompetent. 

On the subject of incompetence and ignorance, there was someone who would top the pile every time. Rubeus Hagrid. 

A/N: Update news. One chapter of this planned for the sixth (January) and five planned for the tenth (January.) Reasons on profile. The last one of the five will have one that people kept asking for. 


	27. Hagrid, Rubeus

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: I couldn't find which house Hagrid was in so, if anyone knows, please tell me and I might be able to change the chapter so it fits. Most spelling mistakes are actually speech descriptions 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Twenty-Seven- Hagrid, Rubeus.

I could see the half-giant sitting up at the teachers table, glaring at me. I don't know why. I hadn't done anything wrong. This was just a way to get revenge for all of the boring sorting that I had been made to sit through over the years. All the times I was left in the headmaster's office and forgotten about for up to a year at a time. 

Revenge really is sweet. 

"Hagrid, Rubeus." The deputy-head announced and I could hear a slight sneer in their voice. Knowing that this did not happen often I looked at the person I was going to be sorting. I was so shocked I think my rim might have dropped to the floor. The kid was massive and I'm not joking. When he put me on his head I could hardly reach his ears. I was about to ask him what he was but then I realised. Half-Giant. 

_Some people would say your kind shouldn't come to Hogwarts._

What? 

_Some people would say that your kind shouldn't come to Hogwarts._

__

__What's that 'possed to mean? 

_That some people don't want their children fraternising with Giants._

__

__I'm nut a giant. 

_You think they'd care about that. No. The best thing that you can do is to keep your mouth shut. All the teachers know obviously but if you don't tell any of your classmates you might survive. _'I explained to him, almost yawning.' 

Why can't I tell em? 

_They would tell their parents and then you would be run out of the country. Never mind the school._

__

__Never mind whut aboot t'e school? 

'I sighed. Obviously I wasn't dealing with the smartest of people.' _You'll have to be smarter of course._

__

__I know stuff. 

_You need a wide area of expertise. You have be a leader in all of the subjects._

__

__All of t'em? 

_Take this example for instance, you know quite a bit about dragons and other things like that but, how would knowing what to feed a dragon do to help you in a charms exam?_

__

__... 

_Precisely. You have to become smarter to stay in school. You're an easy target as well._

__

__For whut? 

_To be framed for things. Not all the teachers like you being what you are so, given the chance they would be the first to agree that it was you doing whatever you did not do._

__

__Huh? 

_Listen this time okay? You half-giant, parents not like that, you tell noone. You dumb, you extend your knowledge. You easy target, people blame things on you. Not good._

__

__Not good? 

_Right. Do you want help to stop that for a while? _'I was keen to get this sorting over with. It was making me think too much.' 

Yes. 

"GRYFFINDOR!" I yelled out loud and he lumbered off the stage, to sit down amongst a couple of small and bemused first years. 

The game keeper did not look happy that I had told his sorting. Well, hardly noone was. It is supposed to be a private matter after all. Which is why I considered it safer to do one of someone who was not here to scare me with their glares. 

Molly, now-known-as- Weasley. 

A/N: I still haven't found the maiden name for Molly Weasley. 

__

__


	28. Weasley, Molly

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: The first of five chapters to celebrate one year of this fanfic. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and setting belong to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Twenty-Eight- (Weasley,) Molly

Maybe I hadn't thought this through. She might not have been there herself but there were still four of her children in the hall. Two looking like they were curious in finding out what I was saying. One looking furious and one looking embarrassed. 

"(Weasley,) Molly." The deputy-Headteacher told me. 

_You had lunch then?_

What do you mean? 

_I just meant that you are a bit plump. That's all._

__

__Mind you're own business. 

_Why should I?_

__

__I said so. 

_Why would I listen to you._

__

__I could cause you a lot of trauma if you don't. 

_Really?_

__

__Yes. 

_You would make a good mother you know._

__

__What? 

_A good mother. You could threaten your kids into doing what you said. You already knew that though._

__

__What? 

_I haven't met many eleven year olds who have 'have kids' on their list of goals._

__

__So? 

_Nothing. Don't get so tetchy. I was just pointing out._

__

__Well don't. 

_Fine. Hang on, I'll do whatever I want! _'I said, realising who I was.' 

"GRYFFINDOR!" I called out. 

I was right after all, she did want to have kids. If she saw as many of them as I did then she would have probably changed her mind. She has almost seen as many kids as I have though I suppose. I scoured the hall for my next victim... Subject to tell about. My eyes fell onto someone and the sorting came flooding back to me. Dean Thomas. 


	29. Thomas, Dean

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Twenty-Nine- Thomas, Dean. 

It definitely was not one of my favorite sortings. I don't know why I said I would tell them. It was embarrassing to me. One of the type where I was almost beaten. 

"Thomas, Dean." McGonagall said. The sortings that year had already been quite difficult to start off with. Everything was either one extreme or another. This one I was not prepared for, it was another side that I had not encountered recently. 

_Wrong sport._

__

__What? 

_You are following the wrong sport._

__

__The wrong sport to do what? 

_To fit in._

__

__Huh? 

_Football is a Muggle sport. Quidditch is the wizarding world sport. You should try and get it the right way round now before it's too late._

__

__Too late for what? 

_Huh?_

__

__Too late for what? 

_Well, too late too, urrm, _'he had caught me off guard. I had no answer. This was not going the way that I had planned.' _To late to make any friends._

__

__Then I'll just make friends with the other Muggle-born children. 

_Look kid, you aren't making this easy for me. You are supposed to be conforming to what I say._

__

__Why should I. 

_I have the power to decide which house you are put in. That is why._

__

__Any house would be fine. 

_Oh, of course it would. No family honor. Noone would care if you were put in the wrong house._

__

What do you mean, wrong house? 

_None of your business._

__

__I think it is. 

_I think it isn't._

__

__Fine. Whatever. Pick any hose. 

_You wouldn't say that if I put you in Slytherin._

__

__Huh? 

_Slytherin. They wouldn't take kindly to a mud-blood in their house._

__

__Mud-Blood? 

_A person born to Muggles._

__

__Then I'd just make friends with people from other houses. 

_They wouldn't talk to a Slytherin._

__

__Put me in a different house then. 

_Aha! I win._

__

__What? 

_I win._

__

_Whatever. Put me in any house. I don't care._

__

__You are one of the most insufferable people ever. 

_I know._

__

__"Gryffindor!" I called, with a lot less enthusiasm than usual. I just wanted the sorting over. 

Most of the hall did not seem to be on my side. A lot of them were congratulating Dean and he himself had a smug look on his face. I wanted to wipe that smile off with someone that most of them wouldn't like, Slytherin or not. The teacher Quirrell. 


	30. Quirrell, ?

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: I don't know the first name or house of Quirrell. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Thirty- Quirrell (?)

I don't even know if all of the students fully know what happened, or even what happened at all. Most of them had probably just heard rumours. The ones who had joined since it happened were nearly certain to have no clue. I only knew myself because I had overheard Dumbledore in his office, talking. I can't say that I'm surprised at what happened though. He was a disaster waiting to happen. 

"Quirrell (?)" 

_Hi. _'I had been in a good mood at the start of that sorting. It was near the end after all.' 

... 

_Are you going to talk?_

What's the point. 

_I said so. What do you think the point is._

There is no point. 

_Yes there is._

What? 

_To put you in a house._

Such as? 

_Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff or Slytherin._

That will be fine. 

_What will? Slytherin?_

Sure. Whichever. 

_Why are you being so annoying? Oh, I see._

See what? 

_You're not trying to be annoying at all. You're just weak. _

Huh? 

_Weak. As in 'not capable of accomplishing anything.' Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Ohh._

What? 

_You like the dark arts._

I do not! 

_You do._

Fine. Whatever. 

_See. Weak. Evil._

What? 

_Evil _'_Characterised by intense ill will or spite.'_

I am not. 

_Evil. Evil. Evil._

Stop doing that? 

_Or what? You'll curse me and hide? Evil and weak. Weak and evil._

Can you stop that yet? 

_Maybe. What is it worth to you._

Nothing. 

_You wouldn't survive out in wild. _

What wild? 

_Doesn't matter. _

Fine then. 

_Admit it._

Admit what? 

_That you wouldn't survive out in the wild._

Fine then. I wouldn't. 

_Good weak and evil boy. You have no idea how weak and evil you are. You are in for a nasty surprise when older. Those combinations do not go well together._

"Hufflepuff!" 

I could see that most students were confused again. I guess they knew less of the story than I was giving them credit for. Well then, I just had to do one that nearly all of them would know the subject off. Gilderoy Lockhart. 


	31. Lockhart, Gilderoy

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: I don't know what house he would have been in. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Thirty-One- Lockhart, Gilderoy.

I could see that most of them had heard of him this time. As far as I knew he still did not know who he was. If only that were true for me, and the rest of the wizarding world. Then we could all be happier. 

"Lockhart, Gilderoy." 

I looked to the side of me. This was one of the type that I didn't like. The Narcissist type. 

_Okay. What do you want?_

A nice house, lots of money, fame. 

_I meant what do you want right not stupid._

A nice house, lots of money, fame. 

_No, the right answer is- I want to be sorted._

I don't. 

_Then why are you here._

To get degrees to get a nice house, lots of money and fame. 

_You don't strike me as the learning type._

So? 

_How do you expect to get those degrees?_

How do you think? 

_With looks. Right?_

Look right at what? 

_Never mind. You can't get degrees based on looks._

Why not? You can get everything else. 

_Then use looks in other ways to get a nice fame, lots of house and money._

A nice house, lots of money and fame. 

_Whatever. As if you're good looking enough to get that anyway._

WHAT! 

_I said, you're not good looking?_

How dare you! I bet you can't even find anything wrong with me. 

_Your, hair is too long._

I'll cut it. 

_Your skin is too spotty._

I'll get cream that cleans it up. 

_You're ears stick out._

I'll get see-through tape and stick them back. 

_Too fat._

I'll diet. 

_Too thin._

I'll eat more. 

_Too... Too..._

See, you can't find anything wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. 

_Do you not know anything. You can't get everywhere with looks._

Can to. 

_You need something more than looks. You need to be considered as someone cool. Strong. Brave and all that malarkey._

Then I'll be that. 

_You couldn't be that._

Then I'll make people think I'm that. Now, sort me. 

_Why?_

I said so. You will sort me or else. 

I don't want to. I make the threats around here. 

_You said that I was ugly._

So? 

_You should pay..._

"Gryffindor!" I yelled quickly, not prepared to hear him finish his thought. 

My anger was boiling up now. How could some of them still look confused? Right. That was it. Time to bring out one that they will have no problem understanding. 

Harry Potter. 


	32. Potter, Harry

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: People have been asking for this chapter and for me to post people's reactions to Harry's sorting so, that is what I am going to do. This will be a short chapter though, seeing as the actual sorting is only three paragraphs long in the book. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

Chapter Thirty-Two- Potter, Harry.

I could see the hall react, almost instantly. His friends looked curious, as if they had always wondered what happened. The Slytherins looked like they were about to gloat. As if they were expecting for some dirt to come out on him. Everyone else was looking over to where Harry was sitting and showed a range of emotions, from repulsion to admiration to hilarity to boredom to vengefulness. Not everyone liked him. Most of those who didn't were either deatheaters or came from families who were, that or they just hated him for the attention that he got. 

When you were famous, that was how most people reacted to you. 

_Hmm. Difficult. Very Difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind either. There's talent, oh my goodness, yes - and a nice thirst to prove yourself, now that's interesting ... So where shall I put you._

__

'Part of this was due to the fact that he could have actually been placed in any of the four houses. The other part was that it was Harry Potter. I rarely hear people talk about students before they come to Hogwarts. I mean, who can be too famous at eleven. He gripped my stool, really annoying me. That stool is the only place I get to be, apart from Dumbledore's office and a bunch of heads. Dandruff and Headlice often included. How would you like it if someone came and left nail marks in your bed? He was making my stool more uncomfortable than it was before.' 

Not Slytherin, not Slytherin. 

_Not Slytherin, eh? Are you sure? You could be great, you know, it's all here in your head, and Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about that - no? Well, if you're sure - better be_

__

"Gryffindor!" I called out again. When I had done it the first time there had been a loud cheer. Now the hall had gone deathly quiet. The Slytherins looked disgusted that he was almost in their house. The Gryffindors looked dumbfounded that he could be in their house and the others looked shocked that he could be in their house. 

The silence was starting to annoy me now. I wanted to break it up. They could think abut that later. Now was the time for another sorting. 

Mad-Eye Moody. 


	33. Moody, Alastor

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

Chapter Thirty-Three: Moody, Alastor

A/N: I don't know what house he was sorted into. If you know that it was definitely a different one then tell me and I'll try to change the story. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J. K. Rowling. 

This was probably one of the strangest people I have ever had the displeasure of sorting. Displeasure being the key word. 

Apparently he went mad after becoming an auror. I have to admit that I, then, was partly to blame. In my opinion, he was mad before that though. 

"Alastor, Moody." 

H... Hello? 

_What do you want?_ 'I snapped. Partly because this years children had been more of a pain than usual and partly because the kid looked so nervous. That was why I said what I did. I wasn't being mean as you might assume. Mix three parts angry with two parts boredom and one ounce of disinterest and you had me. 

To be sorted. Please? 

_Why are you asking me like that._

Pardon? 

_Stop asking me questions. It's annoying._

Sorry Sir. 'It was now that I knew I had got him trapped.' 

_You should be sorry you worthless little wretch. In all my years as a talking hat I have never seen such terrible manners. They were right. The youth is going down the moral drain. It disgusts me. Stop shaking boy!_ 'I screamed the words inside his head with a scary a voice as I could manage while trying not to laugh and ruin all of it. 

S...S...S...Sorry. 

_Sorry what? I was sounding angrier to try to keep up the trick._

Sorry Sir! 'He squeaked. I don't know if he said it out loud or not.' 

_Better. Now, what house do you want to be in?_

Aren't you supposed to decide that? 'I gave a small growl' Sir! 

_Don't you forget that again boy. I do not like time-wasters. _

Yes Sir. 

_Be quiet. Did I tell you that you could speak?_ 'A few moments of silence.' Well? 

No sir. I mean, yes sir. Just now sir. What I'm trying to say sir... 

_Silence! What do you plan to be when you grow up?_

Oh. 'He sounded relieved that he knew the answer to something that I had asked him.' The ministry of magic. Something like a secretary. 

'I could barely stop myself laughing for long enough to answer.' _Hah, You call that a job? You need a proper job! Something that is exciting- I got it._

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Yes Sir? 

_Do not interrupt me! Now, you should be one of those people who fight them evil things._ 'I pretended not to know what I was talking about to see what he interpreted me as.' 

A vampire hunter? 

_No._

Balif-keeper-away? 

_No. Fighting proper evil. Those dark wizards._

D...Dark Wizards? 'He asked me shaking. I didn't reply.' 

D...Dark Wizards Sir? 

_Yes. Or, if you want a boring life then, by all means, become your secretary._

"GRYFFINDOR!" I called out before he could answer me. The next kid I had to sort couldn't understand why I was still laughing when I put the hat on. 

There are a lot of people glaring at me in the hall now. Somehow, I don't think that they found it funny. I don't understand why. I didn't exactly make him become an auror. He did that himself. It was going to be a tough job winning these people back onto my side and I knew just the sorting to do that with. 

"Cornelius Fudge." 

A/N: Ideas for sortings are still accepted. There is also another A/N at the bottom of chapter fourteen. 


	34. Fudge, Cornelius

Sorting Hat Capers by Brita*Chica 

A/N: 'Porphyrophobic Grape' the names are done surname first, like in the books. 'JK' Dumbledore is going to be the last sorting in the fic. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, all related characters and settings belong to J.K. Rowling. 

Chapter Thirty-Four: Fudge, Cornelius

At last I had managed to get the attention of most people in the hall. Some of them had started to mutter amongst themselves about the previous sortings that I had told, and whether they were next. Fudge was one of the names that most of them, if not all, knew. You don't become Minister of Magic without people knowing your name, something that he had been quite picky about. 

"Fudge, Cornelius." A boy, slightly bigger around the waist that my other sortings so far that year, came walking up to me. He had an unmistakable air of 'better than you' wafting around him. It was so strong that I was surprised the students did not start coughing and holding their noses. He jammed me on his head hard and I think I felt another one of my stitches come loose. He spoke immediately, not even giving me a chance. 

Well, why haven't you sorted me yet? 

Huh? 

Sorting, you know, the thing that you are supposed to do... Why have you not done it yet? 

Hey! It takes longer than that! Though from your tone I think I know which you are going in... 

Then put me in it. What are you waiting for? 

Err... 

Err what? 

Don't you actually have layers? 

What? 

Don't you have layers, you know, of your personality. Most people can go into more than one house. 

Who says that I can't! 

Well, at the moment, me. You're breathing Slytherin. 

Then put me in there. 

Hah! As if you would get to where you want to be if I did. Sure, you might benefit from the cunning you could learn there but most people do not trust anyone from Slytherin. 

You don't know what I want to do... 

What? Be Minister of Magic? 'Taking the silence from him as either confusion or anger, I continued.' Now, you see, you should be in a different house really, if you want the adorning public to support you. 

Why do they need to support me? 

Why? That's obvious. They could overthrow you if you weren't popular. It might not even get you in the seat. 

Really? 'I was pleased to hear the slight waver in his thoughts. After all, he had not been nice to me at the start of the sorting, so why would I be to him at the end?' 

Yes really. 

Oh, urrm, oh. 

So, which house do you want to be in? 

I don't know. Which one would get me Minister of Magic? 

How am I supposed to know? If I did, which I just might, why would I tell you? 

Because that's your job. 

Nope, I'm here to sort you into the house you are supposed to be in, not to give you information. 

Please tell me, how do I get the public to like me? 

Become more truthful, a bit of smartness wouldn't go astray either. Treat them like actual people and maybe become slightly, well, a lot, more confidence. You can't just be Minister by sitting around. You would have to have a public image. Preferably a good one. Think you can do that? 

Maybe. 

Is that it, maybe? Okay then, I suppose I should sort you- though I would have thought that you could make more of an effort, I just gave you advice, though I don't know why if you are not even interested in it. 

"Hufflepuff!" 

There were quite a few confused faces in the students, and some smirking ones amongst the teachers. This was not my intention but I might as well grab the opportunity and make them smirk even more... Umbridge, Dolores 

A/N: The next chapter will only make sense if you have read book five. After that, it should go back to book four characters and below. 

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